Dead or Alive Paradise

Hitomi makes the cover because Kasumi sucks

Dead or Alive Paradise is a PSP port of the Xbox360 game, Dead or Alive Xtreme 2. For anyone that doesn't know, this is a game designed to waste your time in some of the most meaningless ways possible.

You start off by selecting a girl that you will play as so you can waste your time. The goal of this game is to look at their boobs in different swimsuits and accessories.

You may ask, how can I view their boobs bouncing in every which way? To answer this question, you can either play the games or just view the CG scenes by relaxing at a location. In the original 360 version, you started off with volleyball, wave racing, and pool hopping and could buy tickets to play other minigames. These games were: slide at 40-80 km/s on a water slide and not die when you fell off, mash a button to run to a flag as fast as possible, and press left and right to bump butts with another girl to knock them off a flotation device. In the PSP version, wave racing and slide is removed. You still start with volleyball and pool hopping, but to the button mash and butt bumping, you need to collect a certain amount of CG scenes before they are unlocked.

One of the other girls asks to partner up with you as soon as you start the game. Who you get is completely random. Just pray you do not get Kasumi because she sucks in this game.

There are three shops in the game. An accessory shop, where you buy extra stuff you can equip your girls with (sunglasses, hats, shoes), a sports shop to buy swimsuits, and an item shop to buy items used to get other girls to like you.

You can use these to slightly customize the girls during CG scenes.

Getting all the swimsuits costs a few million Zack dollars. Then you have to buy 9 more sets.

Obviously, the easiest way to get a girl to like you is to keep giving her stuff she likes right?

In addition to each character's own swimsuits and CG scenes, you have to collect every other girl's swimsuits and CG scenes. This is why the game is completely retarded. In order to give a suit as a gift, you have to be really close to the other character. Then you have the option of giving them the suit during the day, where you can immediately find out if they take it or not or wait till night time and send a gift at night.

You know they are going to take the suit during the day because of all these hearts swirling around them.

Then they take the suit and say something.

Imitating the other girl's CGs is similar a similar concept. Once they have max hearts for you, you just select the option 'imitate partner'. This is under the assumption that the other girl has already done her CG for that time and location.

Now an overview of the volleyball part of the game. The volleyball is ass, no exceptions. You have to win 50 times to get a special item. So for 10 characters that would be 500 games minimum. Too bad most of the times the AI of your partner sucks and you lose because they make the most retarded decisions. Volleyball in the PSP version seems slightly more difficult than in the 360 version because the screen is smaller, so its harder to see where the ball is going to go at times. It also doesn't help that because the controls are so automated, you get screwed over by being forced to do something that you don't want to. It seems like there are mechanics that make different characters be forced in stun longer from spikes or slightly different wakeup speeds from knockdowns (forced or from diving for the ball). If anyone really cares, I can probably make a tier list for the characters in volleyball in this game.

I hate this game so much

At the end of each day, you go back to the hotel and you get a gift from Zack. This item is mostly useless and just completes the task of wasting your time even more. After you get your gift, you have the options of storing your items, viewing your stored items, send a gift, sleep, or go to the casino. If you do not like your partner, you can choose the option to sleep in, which will waste one part of the day, but the partner will leave you and lose all affection that she built up for you (I don't know why this option is there because you can do the 1 player events even with a partner and you can just ask another girl to partner up). Part of the reason this game sucks so bad is that the only way to get large amounts of money in a reasonable time frame is to rely on the casino.

In DOAP, you can play 1 on 1 Blackjack with Rio

In the PSP version you can play Blackjack, Poker, or Slots. In the 360 version there was also roulette, which was the fastest method of making money. Blackjack and Slots gets you no money at very slow speeds. The most you can make in a game of blackjack is 100,000 Zack dollars, which is nowhere near enough to get anything. You end up losing so much in slots, whenever you do win, you will break even if lucky. Also, some slots machines can make you lose money if you get a certain combination, so with those you generally end up losing a lot more money than you win. The casino has standard video game probability, so you get screwed a lot. Thank god you can go back to PSP home menu and reload to try again.

Video game probability

You may think, oh this game isn't so bad, but then you have to remember that there is nothing else to do in this game. A final evaluation must be done for this game designed to waste your time. The PSP version has slightly less CG scenes, but an additional character. The PSP has less items than the 360 version. This would almost save time grinding money on each character and less frustration trying to get all the accessories from the shop, however it takes longer to make money. You do in fact save a lot of time trying to get each girl to accept all your swimsuits from another character. You waste just as much time playing volleyball to get the 3 Zack volleyballs. One of the nice things about this game is that you can actually listen to mp3s that are in the MUSIC folder of your PSP instead of the game's crappy soundtrack. One problem is that for some strange reason, you can't change what song is playing when you are at the hotel or in the casino, so if you restart over and over in the casino, be prepared to listen to the first 30 seconds of the same song over and over. As someone that has completed the 360 version and is working towards completion of DOAP, I believe two ratings should be given for this game. As a game designed to waste your time, I'd give it a 9.5/10, simply because an estimated completion time appears to be slightly shorter than the 360 version. A rating for this game from the standpoint of being a good game, I would have to say this game gets a rating of 0.01/10.

If you're like me and you hate to read long strings of text, then just skip to the end to pretend you read it. Here's a summary. This game sucks. If you are also like me and just can't stop playing shitty games, here is an excel spreadsheet to help you keep track of your progress:

http://www.mediafire.com/?tmtxzydzddm